Before I begin with my topic of the day... I shall write a small portion to respond to two people... Nizam and Ahmad claims that I have a twisted logic... So, this will be my response to them...We all should have our own deniable logic, better known as... "principles in life". Our personal principles in life can be right or wrong. If we keep relying too much on "agreed" logical deductions we are only degrading ourselves to to think like mere computers which have undeniable logic as programmed by humans. If we focus too much on stability and integrity and neglect the contradictory and twisted side of life, we are missing out on a huge portion of what life really is. The only reason that we live and feel human is because we CAN and ARE ABLE TO contradict ourselves... (Ok, time to stop the 3 dots after every sentence.)
How to understand your "self".
Its obvious isn't it? Good or bad is relative. You will only comprehend clearly what goodness is if you have earlier determined what is bad, vice-versa. However, the emplacement of "the values of good and bad" has long established itself as the most difficult task that persists in the everyday life of a human. I'll explain why in a much later part.
The only real way to understand yourself is by understanding others.
Everyone around you is a reflection of your self. You won't know you are someone kind until someone tells you that you are kind. You won't know that you are behaving like an 12 year old despite the fact that you are already 30 until someone tells you that you are "childish".
You are not just a human in your daily journey, you are also an actor. The moment you perform an act in front of an audience, you are judged, be it by words, body language, gestures and tone, you are constantly being judged. That is why we humans treasure privacy and that is why sometimes we need to be alone. We want a time to rest from our role as an actor. This time of privacy is also a time you learn more about yourself, but you are never alone in determining who is the real you. Your fabricated memories aid you, any attempts at observing others while you're "alone" is not merely an act of judging others. You are judging them so that you yourself are able to place a relative judgement or more specifically, a critical comparison of who you are against the other.
It is not entirely wrong to say privacy is also a moment of peace. But the peace that we tend to naturalise as a state of serenity and calmness is actually an attempt to brush off things about yourself that you have learned through others, that you wished you could reject. This is the part where it might get confusing so I will illustrate with an example...
Ahmad and Siti are a couple who have been together for 3 years. One day, on one of their usual dates, they quarrel for the 22nd time. Ahmad wanted to rush home to watch a soccer match whereas Siti insisted that Ahmad send her home but this would make Ahmad late for watching the soccer match by an hour. Ahmad refused to send her home. Not suprisingly, they break up over what, we shall now assume as a simple matter. Both complied to the break up as they wanted a time off on their own.
Ahmad in his own stand, perceived Siti as unreasonable but at the same time he learns that to him, a football match is worth more than their 3 year old rusty relationship. He also learns that he is selfish. However, the private domain is where you tend to shift the blame to the other to negotiate your cause as worthy and acceptable by rejecting the things that you blatantly know is bad about yourself. He thinks that his selfishness was a lesser sin as compared to his girlfriend's unreasonableness. Thus the conflict between Ahmad and Siti is acceptable in Ahmad's point of view and he has no confusion in identifying his real self.
However beautifully painted this story is, it is not always the case that you can easily reject the bad things about yourself. Let's look at how Siti is thinking in her own private domain. Siti is not capable of rejecting the bad things she learned about herself now that the the break-up has happened. Unlike Ahmad, she is not able to easily reject or downplay the thought that she was being too demanding. At the same time, she does not want to shift the whole load of the blame to Ahmad either. She knows that she has learned of the bad characteristics that both of them possess but she is unable to gauge which is more worse than the other. She becomes confused in her jumbled up thoughts. Being confused gives a leeway for her to actually think that the break-up "should not have happened because if it was due to her own wrongdoing, she ought to fix the matter up". But should she? [Siti, at this point of time, thinks she does not understand herself, but in fact she actually does understand herself. Completely. What she really does not understand is the "emplacement of the values of good and bad"]
Which is better? To break up completely? To weigh yourself guilty, swallow your pride and apologize? To wait for him to come begging you back?
Too many options... some of which could help but some of which are disastrous.
A lot of problem couples believe that they are "confused" about their relationships but it is actually a long run series of numerous mismatches of beliefs. They still are unable to place whether a break up is "good" or to stay in the relationship is "better". Love and "everything-else-bad" placed on the balancing scale. It's not that couples don't understand each other. They really do. It's just that there is a time lag between actually knowing that there is "something bad" about our "self" and the acquiring of that "something bad" about our "self".
The next example will show what I mean. YES, IT IS A RADICAL PERSPECTIVE.
Seeing your girlfriend hanging out with guys does not indicate to you that she's a horny bitch but it's actually that you learn/acquire that you are extremely intolerant of seeing your girlfriend with other guys. So stop criticizing her and insulting her as if you own her life. You are the over possessive one. This goes the same when we twist the genders the other way round. I'm not protecting the female species.
Another example: If you see your girlfriend holding hands with other guys, it's not your girl's fault,
it's you who is weak in making her want you. (Same story goes if we turn the genders the other way round.)
I believe that the time lag is the most fundamental unit of analysis in relationship problems.There is a time lag for the person to actually realize things about himself, for example that he is over possessive or a poor attention giver. But there is NO TIME LAG and in fact an INSTANT tendency to label your girlfriend with derogatory tags the moment you see or hear the news that she's out with other guys. Again, please twist the genders the other way round.
This time lag of coming to terms with themselves and their ego can be short or long, and at times the problem can remain unresolved especially for the super egoistic personnels.
REMEMBER: The next time you see someone and "judge" him. Think again. You are actually judging yourself. Insulting someone of being stupid actually means that you are consoling yourself that you are clever or maybe you really are "clever" but I don't give a damn.
Pul: Ahmad and Siti are fictional characters with no reference to anyone whatsoever. If you feel like you're flying after reading this entry, you are probably sniffing glue while reading. Stop sniffing glue. It damages your brain.
